Reaching Out For Someone To Talk To

As anyone can guess from the title of my blog, I am a single mother. My name is Jessica Buiel and I am about to be 22 years old. I have a beautiful baby girl named Natalia. She is my pride and joy. For this first post, I am going to give you all a little bit of a background story.

In 2007 I got pregnant. I was with the man that I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. We were engaged and planning a wedding for 2010. As the pregnancy went on, he kept getting wierder. Finally he gave me an ultimatum and said that I was to get an abortion or we were going to break up. I am against abortions so I told him it wasn't going to happen. He left me when I was six months pregnant. I was devistated. I did everything I could to get him back, but he wasn't feeling it.

November 4 came and the contractions started. I was so scared and didn't know what to do. My father took me to the hospital and then we waited. The contractions were getting stronger and stronger. Next thing I know, my baby's father shows up. Apparently someone called him and told him I was in labor. I didn't feel like fighting, so I let him stay. Finally at 11:12pm (16 hours and 7 min after the first contraction hit) a perfect little angel was born. She was so tiny and precious. I couldn't help but cry when I saw her. He was given the opportunity to cut the cord and he wouldn't. He also didn't want to hold her. Why he showed up for the delivery is beyond me. I guess maybe to show he wasn't a deadbeat? He even stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital. A couple months went by and he saw her maybe 4 times. Each time he saw her, the time was shorter and shorter. Then he stopped coming to see her all together. Aside from not seeing her, he hasn't even paid for anything for her. Not even a pack of diapers. Everyone says that I should take him to court, but I don't really need that stress. And neither does she. He doesn't have a job so he won't even be able to pay for child support. He's just an all-around deadbeat dad.

Time went on and I learned that I didn't need him in my life. I had my daughter and my family and that's all I needed. Guys came and went and more heartbreaks along with them. It's hard to find someone when you have a child. I guess guys are just too immature. One guy came along who was amazing. He was in the Army and seemed like he had his head on right. I knew him in highschool and kind of lost touch when we graduated. We started talking again and he told me he wanted a relationship. He even told me that he wanted to adopt my daughter and be the father her real one would never be. That made me so happy. When he got home from Iraq we went to Colorado to see him. She adorded him. She even called him daddy all by herself. I thought everything was going to finally work out for me.

He came home on leave and we spent every day together. The last week he was home he was out a lot. He sent me a message over AIM one night and decided that we weren't going to work out and that he wanted to break up. Again, my heart was ripped out. I wasn't only concerned about me, I was worried about my daughter. She had grown so attached to him and she loved him. All she did was call "Daddy!" every day. I couldn't understand how someone could just walk away from something so precious.

After him, I decided not to let her get close to anyone. She's only a baby, she doesn't need different guys coming in and out of her life. I let people know that I have a child and if they don't or can't accept that, I don't need them. They don't deserve to meet her if they are willing to just walk away. I don't need a guy, or sex, in my life that bad to break my child's heart.

I am currently dating someone whom I have known for many, many years. He was there for me when the sperm donor (as I call him) left me. Although I have known him for a long time, he still hasn't met my daughter. Our lives got in the way and we stopped hanging out. We never lost contact though. He would always ask how she was and how big she was getting. I like that he hasn't met her because I'm so used to getting hurt, I don't know how long we will last. And as I said before, she doesn't need another guy to come into her life for a little while and then leave.

I love being in a relationship with him, but I don't really NEED to be. I am a hard working woman who is doing everything she can to not need a guy in her life. At the moment I live at home with my parents. I guess it's kind of good because there is someone here to watch her while I work at night. I don't have a day job because I can't afford daycare. I'm also trying to get my own car. Working only one job though isn't helping at all. The economy today sucks.

Well, that's it for today's blog. I hope to talk with other single parents out there. I don't meane just single moms. Single fathers have it hard as well. Being able to talk with people who are in the same boat as I am will bring me a little piece of mind.